When I was 20, I studied in Spain and met an attractive 24 year old doctor, Elena, who developed an almost stalker-ish obsession with me. She would take me out to dinner, to nice museums, and generally any excuse she could think of to hang out with me, she would make. With Elena, a simple but important concept about the nature of attraction was revealed to me, though I didn’t put it together until years later:
Most girls will PUT OUT for the man they LUST for, but HOLD OUT for the man they view as LONG TERM boyfriend material.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t get laid eventually by a girl who views you as long term material. It just means that you will have to wait longer, and the sex will probably be different. She will be less willing for you do be very aggressive with you in bed. She’ll be more self conscious when she is with a guy who she ‘cares about.’ All that fun porno stuff you want to do to her? Good luck…she’ll be worried that if you splooge all over her titties, you aren’t going to ‘respect her.’
To explain how I reached this conclusion, I must delve into a few things that stood out to me about Dr. Elena during my 5 months abroad:
1) Elena was insanely smart. She was a cancer research doctor who had received a scholarship to study at MIT, and spoke several languages.
2) Elena would do anything she could to please me. She went down on me at a picnic bench in public at a major tourist attraction in Barcelona. She gave me sloppy BJs in the apartment property she owned when the tenants were out to lunch. She took me out for sushi and other nice museums, all on her dime.
3) I could care less what Dr. Elena thought of me, and thus treated her like a common whore…and she loved it, was turned on by it. It helped that I mostly interacted with her when I was drunk, but I would do crazy shit with her/to her: I would grab her out of nowhere when we were walking the streets of the Gothic neighborhood in Barcelona, throw her against a stone wall and start making out with her and feeling her up aggressively. I would demand that she get us a room for the night. I would push her down onto the grass to hook up with her when we got just a block or two from the bars…and she would just ask for more. Our attraction was basal lust.
A few years ago, Elena moved to DC to make lots of money research the cure for cancer at the National Health Institutes. She begged for me to come and stay with her for as many days as I could. She even offered to pay for my flight out. So I went and stayed with her. While I was there, she:
1) Paid for every single meal or drink we ate. At very nice, expensive places.
2) Blew me on command.
3) Begged me to rawdog her everywhere we went, including in a car during midday in the middle of Bethesda, an upper class suburb home to many congressmen. She was always as wet as a waterfall. It was like a slip n’ slide.
The wheels of realization of reality were in motion for me. Elena put out more for me than any other girl I had been with. She was insatiable. But why?
One night, an illuminating conversation showed me the difference between lust and love (imagine Elena with just the slightest twinge of a Spanish accent–it’s quite hot):
Me “So have you been seeing other guys lately?”
Elena “Yea, I went out on a date with this really rich guy. He…has a ton of money, I think he owns a company or something. Nice guy.”
Me “Oh wow. So did you give him the Dr. Elena ‘treatment’?” (reference to the fact that her BJ skills are spectacular)
Elena “No…I mean I might be with him long term, you know? I don’t want him to get any ideas…”
Me “So you haven’t hooked up with him at all?”
Elena “Well about a week ago I was over at his house after our 4th date, we were on on his bed making out and I could feel him so hard in his pants you know? He wanted to do more. But I told him I wasn’t ready…”
Me “Haha you wanted to save yourself for me didn’t you?”
In that moment I realized that while I liked Dr. Elena a lot, I realized I could never respect Elena as a woman. On some level, I still saw in her part of the little 7 year old girl whose dad had died of cancer and inspired in her a dream to search for the cure. And she was living it, she wasn’t some do-gooder trying to get everyone to wear pink for a month. But here she was, fucking me 3x per day and buying my meals, meanwhile blueballing some poor sap who thinks Dr. Elena just respects her body to much to go to 2nd base until the 5th date. She was being totally unfair to this NiceGuy. And as a guy who had been NiceGuy blueballed plenty of times in my life, I felt bad for him.
On the last day I was in DC, this uncomfortable truth had been fucking with my head. Elena was taking me out to dinner and I tell her, “Listen Elena, you are cool and all but maybe it’s not a good idea that we hook up tonight. I’m just feeling kind of weird about this whole thing.”
I thought she would say something akin to “Yea, you’re right, this is kind of fucked up anyway.”
But that’s not what she says.
On the other hand, her eyes well up a little bit. She gets kind of…mad. She goes
“What the hell, Jack? I bring you here, I buy you dinners and drinks, and I take you out and show you a good time, and you don’t even want to hook up with me? Is something the matter with me?”
Me “You know I think you’re a great person Elena, I’m just feeling a little weird about this whole thing.”
Moving her food around with a fork, eyes still watery, she looks up:
“Well can I still go down on you tonight?”
* * *
At the time I was utterly confused by her behavior. But I now realize, you know who she sounds like in this conversation?
The ‘nice guy.’ How many times has a nice guy thought this to himself:
“What the hell, _insert girl’s name_? I bring you here, I buy you dinners and drinks, and I take you out and show you a fun time, and you don’t even want to hook up with me? Is something the matter with me?”
And what is the response from the girl?
“You know I think you’re a great person, _NiceGuy’s name_, I’m just feeling a little weird about this whole thing.”
Girls n’ booze Rule #1: Most girls will PUT OUT for guys they LUST for, but HOLD OUT for a guy they view as LONG TERM boyfriend material.
Of course there are occasional exceptions…a girl trying to secure the commitment of an Alpha male by sleeping with him. Sorry hunny…ain’t gonna happen.
And yes, I let her go down on me after dinner. Twice.
